when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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