I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
