how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
