it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
