Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
