so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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