I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
