maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
