You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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