Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
