Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
