he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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