my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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