Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
