I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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