If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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