the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
