When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
