guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
