So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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