everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
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