can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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