I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My bed smells like the plague
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