I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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