If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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