is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She bit a glass in half.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
