no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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