You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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