Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
