i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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