This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
as a side note pls kill me
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
