Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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