after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
