I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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