you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
