that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
