I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
