My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
