This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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