An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
