i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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