half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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