Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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