What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
