Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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