Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Sorry my hands just texted you
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
