Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
