dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
