you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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