She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
