need another drink. this is the easiest way
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
you had me at cake vodka
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I deserve this hangover.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
