the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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