The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize