i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
So squirting runs in the family.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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