the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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