So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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