I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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