He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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