I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
