theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Bring me that man meat
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
