So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Randomize
