It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
