You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
